Mistakes and Actions

•July 14, 2010 • 1 Comment

I made a horrid mistake, I was careless with a good woman’s heart.
I now have a chance to put things right.

The last few weeks have been full of self doubt, but recently I’ve found a ray of hope.
She lives far away, and I’ve decided to spend money I don’t really have to chase after a dream of a happy continuation (Because it doesn’t end, even if the story ends…).

So I’ll drive all day to try and show her what level I’m willing to go to to prove that she is what matters to me.

I mean, I even wrote a silly, Steampunk inspired poem!
(I’ve not written a poem like this in years…)

They don’t turn anymore, since they slipped out of sync.
There’s an empty place, where your gear goes.
And though everything still works, and the machine still runs.
There’s a spot where the tic-toking has stopped.

They don’t turn anymore, since they slipped out of sync.
Wind as I may, they just won’t go.
And when things move, it’s with a jerky hitch.
As if the smooth action has something lost.

They don’t turn anymore, since they slipped out of sync.
The mainspring’s loose, and just won’t hold.
Nothing will mesh, and the teeth are worn down.
And there’s an empty place, where your gear goes…..

Here’s to actions (Driving 4 hours) speaking louder than words (I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry).

I will make this right.

A Crisis of Geek

•January 31, 2010 • 3 Comments

OK, so I’m having a “Geek Identity Crisis”.
I’ve been looking at my hobbies and wondering, “What’s next?”

The real problem here being that I just can’t justify buying toys any more. I want to buy a sword again someday. When is THAT ever going to come in handy? I love medieval things, but why get more when I can just look at pretty pictures for free? It’s not to keep any of the art alive. I don’t do most of that stuff anyway. It’s just to have pretty things.

I think that my main problem is I just got my life back together and don’t see the point in returning to things that now seem a bit frivolous to me.
Why have a car?
Because the transit system around here stinks and I want to be able to visit people that are farther away without having to rely on others.
Why have nicer clothing?
Because in social standing one is judged by one’s appearance. The clothing does not make the man, no, but it does give the man an “in.”
Why have a computer and cell phone?
To stay connected to my world. Both here and where my distant friends are.
Books are free at the library.

What else is there to spend money on that isn’t a necessity?

Then why bother with geekery if I don’t need it?

Now what?

I think I’ll save up for a bike instead of a sword.
I’ll do martial arts to stay fit and for self defense instead of purely for academic reasons.

My hobbies shall have a point other than collecting things that collect dust. I’ll enjoy the world around me instead of trying so hard to shape it to my will.

I don’t know, I feel like I’m rambling…. :)

Eaten Alive.

•December 3, 2009 • Leave a Comment

My name is the taken from the claw of the crab.
I am the scythe that cuts away your life from the inside.
I use your own defenses against you.
Your only weapons are mutations that destroy as you attempt to heal.
I eat you alive, and I am made of you.
Even those that do succeed in stopping me are forever changed by my touch.
I am hunger.
I am pain.
I am nausea.
I am wasting.
I am death.
I take the young, the old, and all in between.
The Greeks called me carcinos.

You call me Cancer.
You have no cure.
Only tenuous hope.

I eat hopes as well…

A good friend of mine recently found himself diagnosed with stage-4 lung cancer.
It has already moved to his bones and blood.
I’ll be folding paper cranes for you….

Gilded Bondage

•December 3, 2009 • Leave a Comment

So. After sowing a friend a picture of the gold bracelet that I made, she suggested that if I ever get married the luck lady and I could have matching semi-permanent gold bracelets instead of rings.

I have to tell you, I like this idea…

Insomnia and Metal

•December 1, 2009 • 4 Comments

What happens when you can’t sleep and you like to make jewelry?
Jewelry that you can’t take off without damaging it.

I couldn’t sleep. Not because I had anything on my mind. No, I just lay there in my bed. Not. Sleeping. It was starting to get to me. I looked over to the end table next to the bed and saw a bit of jewelry that I’d started years ago. A small length of 18k yellow gold chain. I had taken 18gage wire and wound it around a metal rod, then cut the coil using a jeweler’s saw. It was originally supposed to be a necklace, but I wound up without funds and then moved. In the move I lost the rod that I’d been using and the supplier I have no longer has that wire in stock. (Special orders COST!)

The bit of chain had been sitting in my minuscule gold stash for about five years. It dawned on me in that moment of exhaustion-induced “clarity” that it would fit my wrist perfectly. I took up my pliers, and using the metal butt-end of a folding knife in my left hand, closed the links around my wrist.

Here you go!Wrist Chain

Uhhhnnnngggeeee…

•October 10, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Nothing new to report. Sooooo tired…..

GOD DAMNIT! (and other vain things)

•October 3, 2009 • Leave a Comment

The girl from Figuring Out the Signals has informed me that she could never date a man who is not passionate about God.

Now, to be fair, she has every right to want a man in her life that shares her religious views. It’s just frustrating. I would love to be able to be angry about this. I can’t be though. I didn’t know that she was a woman of faith when I started talking to her, and she never mentioned going to church or church functions.

I am a bit angry with myself for letting the thought that maybe this long-distance thing could eventually blossom into something more. 1200mls isn’t THAT far, right? But a gap in beliefs is an almost insurmountable chasm. Not impossible, but you have to REEEEEEALLY work at it. It becomes especially difficult if one of the people involved is religious and the other is decidedly NOT.

Damnit. Back to the beginning…

Figuring out the signals

•October 2, 2009 • 1 Comment

So I met a woman online.
Not unusual for this day and age. I remember when meeting someone on the “World-Wide-Web” was dangerous and creepy, and that may be what’s irking me. She’s beautiful, intelligent, talented, and very my type.
There are two major drawbacks though.
She lives 1,200 miles away.
She is 12 years younger than me.
Half of the time I don’t know what I should do. The other half realizes that there is nothing I CAN do beyond what’s happening now. Namely: We’re getting to know each other better every day. And if the opportunity arrives that we can meet in person and we hit it off, then great.
But if I meet someone soon….
I find myself occasionally hoping that just as I start dating someone here she sends me a message saying, “Adam, you’re great, but I’ve found someone. Can we still be online buddies?” I would of course be OK with this, and it would assuage any guilt I had for cheating on a woman I wasn’t actually dating…

Gotta love relationship logic.

This is the crap that runs through my head during the day.

On another note!
I worked with the girl at work that is known to be a drama-queen-OCD-twat-monster.
I thought she was nice. Truly, I think she just happens to be WAY too intense most of the time and it comes off as bitchy.
Meh, I can work with almost ANYONE!!! :D

Oh, and I’m still pretty. That is all.

Time and Distance

•September 30, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I have come to the conclusion that there are two women in this world that I would drop absolutely everything for if they called me in the next minute and said, “Adam, I love you and want to be with you forever. Come be with me now.” Seriously.

One of these women is gay, so the likelihood of her calling and saying just that is slim to nihil. It COULD happen, but the whole “penis issue” would come up.

The other is oblivious to my affections. I told her once that I loved her and her response was, “Oh! I love you too! Lets get some drinks.” It then didn’t come up again…

So now I’m working on getting a new female to distract me from the two that are not likely to ever happen. In my quest the one woman that has really caught my attention is (you ready for this, ’cause its good) 1,200 miles away. Yeah. That’s what I said.

It’s not that I NEED a relationship. Hell, at the moment I don’t think I could afford one! I just really miss physical affection.

Oh well. At least I’m not lonely. I have friends around the world, friends right upstairs, and friends I know that I’ll make in the days to come. :)

Booty

•September 29, 2009 • 1 Comment

I am still a rump-shaker.

That is all.

(This one is for you. ;) )

 
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